But Dahling… perhaps you didn’t notice my crazy was showing…

As I sit here listening to music for the first time in awhile… other than the ipod while I was painting the porch in order to avoid a splitting headache brought on by barking dogs… I think back on this life I’ve led up till now.  What I can truly remember of it anyway.  Thank you brain fog.  I sit here wanting to write so many things but have trouble focusing, even with the help of my trusty E-cigarette… (no more real cigs for me, just nicotine in flavored liquids, thereby eliminating 6,999 harmful chemicals as of May 9th) and my second cup of coffee, which happens to be decaf this time.  One cup of regular, one cup of decaf a day.  Gone are the days of a gallon or more of chilled high octane espresso!
I was finally diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in December of 2015.  What does that mean for me?  Not much, treatment wise.  Since my thyroid still works just not optimally, there is no reason to replace the T4 with synthetic at this time.  All we can do is treat the symptoms.  It is an auto-immune disorder meaning my body thinks my thyroid is a germ or cancer or some shit and attacks it randomly and on its whim.  I’ve done dietary changes, I get plenty of water and exercise daily, and I have a morning and evening pill schedule.  HCTZ and Sertraline in the morning for my high blood pressure/ edema and my anxiety/depression.  In the evenings I take two iron pills, two vitamin D pills and one super B complex vitamin.
I have chronic anemia at a dangerously low level, low vitamin D etc and nodules in my thyroid that appear stable and have for over a year.  And I still have the freaking goiter.  And according to the Mayo Clinic website and many others, I will most likely develop another auto-immune disorder or two in my life.  I suspect that my anemia is actually pernicious, not just regular.  But that hasn’t been verified.

I now wear granny glasses… my insurance doesn’t cover progressive lenses and I didn’t have 100$ to spend out of pocket.  So I wear bifocals with a line.  It only took two weeks for my eyes to stop going wonky every time I moved my head.  However, I really did need new ones because my  vision was always slightly blurred with my old glasses which were from six years ago.

After a year and some months of exercise and changing eating habits, I have lost only 35 pounds.  Yet I feel so much better than I used to.  I could barely make it five minutes into a low impact workout without getting dizzy and huffing and puffing.  Now I love hardcore workouts like Turbofire and Les Mills Combat.  My great love though is Yoga… I can’t describe the feeling it gives me inside.  The closest I can come is- peaceful.

My sleep pattern is not good.  I am restless most of the night.  However I have become accustomed over the last ten years to little to no good sleep.  I function daily.  Perhaps not well or at top form, but I’m still alive and still sassy.

Health update done.  That’s all on that front currently.

After workouts, cleaning and laundry and other household stuff, I spend my days binge watching Hulu and either crocheting or knitting.  Such an exciting life I know… aren’t you jelly?  *gigglesnort*  I don’t write anymore, and I miss it, but I really have no desire to work on the fan fiction gone insane or poetry or lyrics… one reason I didn’t want to go back on the anxiety meds.  Unfortunately my doctor believes I need them for the rest of my life because its a chemical imbalance in my brain. (thank you thyroid, the gift that keeps on giving)  The crocheting and knitting is just one more way of controlling the anxiety that is never fully controlled with medication.

I bought small canvases, I have acrylic paints and brushes, I still have all of my drawing pencils and paper and yet my eyes won’t let me do much on that front.  They even go wonky at times when I’m typing this blog.  I want to learn to paint, I need to design more tattoos and yet, I don’t.  Headaches aren’t worth trying it.

Newsflash- Hollow by Breaking Benjamin just started playing.  This man… brilliant to say the least.  His music is so very important to my soul.  I could never express my innermost thoughts as well as he does his own.  And I don’t dare speak of that which runs rampant through my mind most of the time.  I barely comprehend myself and to try and explain me to other people is nearly impossible.

Ah, now some lovely Luna Sea… yet another band I identify with, as long as I learn the translations of the lyrics I’m good.  They share my birthday, and all of the members are magnificent at their chosen roles.

I lost all the music tracks I made, lost all the lyrics I had written.  The external hard drive I had them stored on from my old computer is somehow corrupted.  Le sigh.  I lost a lot of pictures and other good things that I had on there.  That will teach me not to use disks to back up electronic things.

Being a Gemini is both a blessing and a curse.  Two souls in one body, sometimes working together but most of the time they are at odds with each other.  Adding brain fog, fatigue, mood swings etc to being a Gemini is not a good thing, but I manage.  Sometimes on a minute by minute basis.  Hence the title of this blog.  Being me is rough on a good day, trust me.

I look back on my life, and relationships I’ve had.  Not just romantically speaking.  I am a difficult person to be friends with.  I know this and to the friends I still have- I love you all for your endless patience and perseverance in preserving our friendships.  I have many acquaintances, few close friends, plenty of exes… and I know its because I have a tendency to burn bridges.  Just ask Tinkerbell.

Luna Sea interrupts this self analysis to melt me into a puddle of goo with I For You.

FOCUS CHIBI!

And of course it starts raining while I’m feeding the dogs.  Also my asshole neighbors set off a bunch of fireworks… in the freaking rain.  Muttin Futtin.  So where was I?  Ah yes, the agony of being Gemini-

It really is too much to go into right now on top of everything else I’ve written.  I tried taking a little break, taking a shower to maybe organize my scattered zooming at a billion miles an hour thoughts… and I don’t think I can go into anything else right now.

I don’t have the mental, emotional, spiritual, physical energy to do anything most days.  That’s why I’m a lazy good for not much stay to myself and hide in Hulu and crafting unless I am forced to pay bills in public or clean or cook kind of person.  I certainly don’t have energy to waste thinking about what ifs and regrets.  And yet here they are.  I know what I have now is a blessing beyond measure.  Probably more than I deserve because of all the bad karma I’ve done.  I really am going to pay big time in my next incarnation…

So many restraints to deal with in this life I lead.   I  would write it all out but there are eyes that see what should not be seen and once my words are read there is no taking them back.  As long as they stay in my mind they won’t hurt me or anyone else.

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I close this blog entry as I listen to Saturate by Breaking Benjamin…

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Surviving if not thriving…

Yay I’m still alive and this still works. Been busy with knitting and crocheting and dr stuff.  A better blog will follow in a few hours or days depending on when I get to it. Just wanted to make sure this still worked.

Parents, the new school police for their own children… RANT-ISH

Yet again I have received email about my son being highly intelligent but very irresponsible when it comes to class work, homework and testing.  This is nothing new, I’ve been battling it my son’s entire school career.  Here its called a 504 plan, up north its an IEP… there’s a reason my son has one, folks.

I can’t make him do anything while he is at school.  I can’t tell him to get busy on that work, I can’t remind him at the end of the day to make sure he has his homework in his bag before he gets on the bus and I can’t control what he does with the electronic device that the school requires him to have for certain classes… once my son is out the door I have no control over his behavior or his attitude or his actions.  The only thing I can do is control the home environment.

Every day I ask, “Do you have homework?”  And most days its a no or the answer is Algebra or that it was a test day or that they are getting ready for the STARR tests (ITBS in Iowa).  I have no way of knowing if he is telling the truth until teachers send me an email like the one I recently got, or I get emails from the school about missing assignments and failing grades updates as I requested at the beginning of the year.

Yes, he is held accountable for failing.  There’s only so much you can take from a kid.  He doesn’t have books, his keyboard, any of his electronics etc in his room and hasn’t for quite some time.  He isn’t allowed to watch tv or play his xbox games or be on his computer during the week, and not on the weekends again, because of failing grades.  I have even made him earn his things back by doing certain chores worth a certain amount and a set amount he needs to earn to get ungrounded.

Honestly I don’t know what else to do.  This morning I told him that if he fails any classes this year and they want him to take summer school, they can forget it.  We can’t afford the gas to drive into town and back twice a day and they don’t provide transportation, so he will just have to repeat the grade next year… which means another year added to what he needs to graduate.

And yes, the emails I get from his teachers make me feel like they expect me to fix everything.  I don’t have a magic wand I can wave, and my child isn’t broken.  He’s an almost 15 year old boy who gets bored with structured work and if it doesn’t interest him he doesn’t care about the quality of the work he has done.  He has never tested well which is why he has a special set up small group for the big tests… or at least he is supposed to.  This boy is motivated by electronics- computers, phones, etc and lucky him he is required to have something he can access certain websites on for at least one of his classes… so I can’t tell him not to take that device to school because its required for the work done in Spanish and who knows what else.   I can talk and talk and talk and talk… over and over, every 3 weeks whether its progress reports or the actual report card… it doesn’t do any good.  Grounding doesn’t do any good, forced labor to earn things back didn’t work and he is well beyond the age appropriate for corporal punishment which is allowed down here in the south.

I mean really, what is expected of me beyond what I’ve already done?  Do I have to go to the school and teach my child myself?  Do I have to follow him to every class and stand over his shoulder with a whip, cracking it when he shows the slightest disinterest in the class the teacher isn’t really teaching?  Handing out classwork and saying get to it its in the book, and then an entire class has to share two textbooks… that’s not teaching.  Yes, I get it that most teachers actually like their job and understand that not all kids are perfect angels who do everything just right when they are told to.  But honestly, there is a lot to be desired when it comes to the education of students in this area. 

And the whole ignoring the fact that my child has a physical limitation/ disability that is well documented and proven and listed in his 504 plan… ignoring that and requiring that he run 5 laps around the football field’s track when he can’t run well at all is cruel and inviting bullying.  He was told that if he didn’t run at least two of those laps and jog walk the rest he would fail that portion of the physical tests and be held after class.  Really? REALLY???  Am I seriously going to have to go to another school and get my momma bear out until they realize this is not a joke? 

He’s not lazy, the boy is working out 6 days a week with my boyfriend and doing really well for it only being his second week in.  He just can’t run.  Legg-Calve Perthes Disease is not a joke.  There really is no treatment for it until he needs a hip replacement, other than what we are doing at home.  My son, Rev and I are doing Power 90 Boot Camp, then moving on to P90X when boot camp is done, just to help him and I lose some of the weight we have gained over the years… His from the medication he was on to suppress his REM sleep cycle in an effort to control the night terrors he used to suffer from… mine from thyroid disease… and both of us are addicted to soda and sweets.  We both are down to one soda a day… I sometimes have two but never more than that.  He takes naproxin sodium for pain in his hips and uses icy hot when needed.  We are limiting his food intake but not by a shit ton.  He no longer eats bedtime snacks and at dinner he gets one serving of each thing we are having on his plate, that’s it.  (I do my exercise for the day in the mornings, Rev and Ry work out in the evenings when they are both home, just FYI) 

Again I ask… what more can I do?  I am not a miracle worker, I’m not a magician… I can’t fix what they perceive as broken… but if anyone has suggestions, please share!

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Again with the unexcused absences…

Man, if this was school I’d have been expelled long ago for how many times I don’t show up!

I can’t even remember the last time I sat down to write anything other than posts on Facebook and maybe a page or so in the fiction novel that will never end.  Oh and texts… there are about 200 of those a day but they don’t count as writing, in my book.  I’ve not been idle, however.

I have been crocheting like a madwoman, hats and scarves, slippers and now a knee length sweater that will be my very own.  Also I am teaching myself to knit, which is frustrating because I want to be faster at it like I am with crocheting.  I’ve also been putting together a notebook of record concerning the thyroid disease that plagues my life day and night.  Eventually I have to go to a doctor here and hope they treat me better than the doctors up North did, and perhaps even consider my obsessive compulsive natural tendencies to be a help rather than me being a depressed hypochondriac and that my illness is all in my head.  The crocheting helps greatly with my anxiety and stress, and I get cool stuff out of it, so yay me for finding a useful and productive way to manage part of my life!

My lack of focus today is driving me batty so I forced myself to sit down and put some of whats in my head down in this format.  If you could see how many times I have corrected misspelled words in just this much of this blog so far, you would understand just how bad my antsy-ness really is… the brain farts that I’ve been having for the last few weeks have finally spilled over into my hands.  Usually its just a brain mouth disconnection… meaning I think one word and say another that happens to be similar to the one my brain thought of but not quite right.  Sometimes its almost like I’m having mini strokes, that’s what I call them anyway.  I can’t make my mouth and brain cooperate… sometimes I drop letters or even replace them with others in the middle of words.  Brain fog is one of the worst symptoms of thyroid disease for a writer to have.

I fear if I don’t do something, my brain is just going to turn to mush.  So once again I have decided that this outlet is a good place to start.  The fiction novel that has been in progress since like 2006 or 2007 is never going to be published because it started out as a fan fic and went insane.  There is so much good stuff in there associated with characters that can’t be changed and to try to publish using those characters would be one hell of a lawsuit in copyright claims court… I don’t know if there is really such a thing but see what I mean?  I had the phrase I wanted to use right there in my mind and it just *Poof* went away before my fingers could type it.

I’ve had other novel ideas… fictional, non fictional, darn near autobiographical… but getting my mind and body to cooperate long enough to churn out more than a few hundred words at a time is a miracle some days.  So I’m going to jot down the ideas (In the old days that meant post it notes, hundreds of post its all over my desk and wall) and write what I can, when I can.  I leave you with one of my favorite quotes…

edgar allen poe

I’M STILL HERE!!!

Due to technological difficulties, I was forced to cease and desist almost all of my internet activities for a few months.  Nao, thanks to my wonderful partner in life Rev, I have my own laptop with which to begin annoying the cyber world again!  HOORAY!

I am still smoking… but not filtered cigars anymore.  They were killing my lungs hardcore.  Nao I am just smoking regular cigarettes, but a lot less than I was.  Nao its 6 packs a week instead of an entire carton.  I will take this small victory.

I am not going to write a highly intensive blog today, as I am still trying to get used to Windows 8 and getting my computer set up just the way I need it. Still have many programs left to install, and of course my extensive music collection.  I just wanted to let you know I’m still around, still blogging and all that.

Take care all.

Addiction… you say it like its a bad thing

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That is just a fraction of the cigarettes I have smoked in the last 24 years.

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Those are just a fraction of the chemicals I have “willingly” ingested over those 24 years.

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I have found humor in the addiction and quitting process… but apparently not enough to sustain being quit.  Let’s face it, there’s nothing funny about addiction… whether its to legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol or to the illegal drugs that destroy our society.

When I started smoking I was a rebelling 13 yr old who didn’t give a damn what anyone thought and I certainly never believed I would become addicted.  Didn’t take me long to figure out I was though.  At 15 yrs old I got caught shoplifting and to my twisted addict’s mind the worst part about it was not going to court and being on probation… no, it was having my carton of cigarettes that were in my purse given to my older brother who was legal age to smoke.  I spent the next three months trying to sneak off away from my punishment grounding to smoke a cigarette that my older brother gave back to me during his driving me to school.  When I ran out I desperately tried drying grass clippings and rolling them in wide ruled paper, taping or gluing them into a cylindrical sort of not really a cigarette… quickly found out it does not work.

And that is not the stupidest thing I have done to try and get a fix.  Digging through public ashtrays looking for butts with some left on them… yeah, that takes the cake.  Right along side that is digging through my waste basket looking for butts I might have left some on myself… Desperate times, desperate measures.

I have tried a hundred times to quit… and failed each one.  I wasn’t ready, I didn’t really want to quit, just couldn’t afford to keep smoking like I was.  So I thought I would try OTC stop smoking aids.  The patches gave me a rash and wouldn’t stay on half the time, the gum didn’t work, and the ecigs do not control my cravings.  I figured out recently its not the nicotine I’m addicted to so much as the chemicals.  The ecigs have nicotine in them… I was using the one I had before so much I got sick with bronchitis and I am now in danger of burning up the battery in my blu ecig.

I’ve also tried prescription anti-depressants to help curb the addiction.  Wellbutrin got me down to 4 cigs a day but I just couldn’t let go of those last few.  And the 100 mg of Zoloft I was on over a year ago… it worked, until an old friend came over and handed me a cigarette.  I gave in, I could have said no.  Made it three weeks that time without smoking.  Beat the 16 days without a cigarette cuz I was in jail for contempt of court deal from a few years before that.

I’ve been a meth user, kicked that habit.  Smoked weed a few times, didn’t like what it did to me.  Drank a lot back in the day… gave that up too.  But you know what?  I didn’t have all the time, emotions and money invested in those habits like I do smoking.

Smoking is my anti-anxiety, anti-stress, wake me up better than espresso, after dinner dessert fix.   Smoking is my coping mechanism.  And its killing me.  Hard Habit to Break… wish my habit was just love gone wrong that I want to rekindle… talk about an understatement of the year… maybe even the decade.

Just because one person can easily turn their back on cigarettes doesn’t mean its that simple for me.  Every alcoholic struggles differently… why should it change just because the drug has?  I don’t like how I am when I’m quitting.  Maybe I do need the anti-depressants to control the temper/raging demons I feel inside without the heinous nicotine to control them… but I’m supposed to replace smoking with something to keep me busy, keep my hands and mind and mouth occupied so that I don’t think about it.  Neither idea works. 

Anti-depressants- substituting one chemical addiction for another.

Preoccupation- mouth can only handle so much hard candy before it starts hurting, mind races non-stop day and night with or without cigs, and without them the OCD mind of Chibi focuses on… you guessed it!  The cigarettes she doesn’t have.  My hands can only type/write/draw/paint/crochet/clean stuff so much before they scream in agony.  I am getting arthritis in my fingers and have moderate to severe carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands/wrists/shoulders… not to mention the nerve damage in my left pinky, ring finger and half my palm.

Am I making excuses?  It might seem that way to some of you.  I promised someone I love that I would quit smoking on a certain date.  That day has come and gone, weeks ago.  And I am still smoking… hence my status from a little while ago-

Addiction: To claim to give up something but then sneak it at every chance you get.

Trust me, I have enough guilt for breaking my promise thus far.  I told him last night because the guilt was eating away at me and I hate not being honest.  He was understandably upset, as he had the right to be.  But joking or not, he didn’t have to hurt me with what he said before we were falling asleep. 

Me-  I love you.

Him- No you don’t.

Me- Yes, I do.

Him- No.  You don’t.

Me- Yes… I do.  Why do you think otherwise?

Him-  If you love me you wouldn’t have picked up the cigarettes again.

Me- Uh huh… *rolls over and scoots to edge of her side of bed to avoid contact with person who made her feel a centimeter high and she didn’t have far to go to get to feeling that way because she knew she was guilty and broke her promise.*

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There are so many worse things I could do in my life.  I hate myself a little inside for being weak minded and addicted, I don’t need anyone else adding to it.  This is the one thing I haven’t been able to stop doing.  The only thing.  Is that so horrible?  Is it an unforgivable sin??  Yes I understand the anger.  Yes I understand I broke a promise.  One of the few I’ve ever broken in my life.  I even understand you have a right to your anger and hurt over me not quitting.   All I can tell you is that I am trying.  And I’m sure I will keep trying… and keep trying… but don’t hate me if I keep failing.  My life is not perfect.  I am a type A personality.  And all I can promise is that I will keep trying.

PS- either we made up or he is covering up his disappointment in me.  I’m hoping its the first option. 🙂  This one thing isn’t going to break our relationship.  Our love is stronger than that.

Darn you crappy immune system…

It is so aggravating…  In Texas if you don’t have central air or at least window AC units you’re gonna die of heat stroke or simply melt into a pile of goo for someone else to clean up.  And while the humidity down here is great for my skin… my lungs are revolting.

Summer colds are the worst.  I didn’t know if I was too hot or too cold yesterday… probably feverish, no clue since my thermometer broke.  All I know is I have cement in my sinuses, sandpaper for a throat and a barking cough that rivals angry seals.  And today starts the stuffy/ runny nose and stuffy ears.

Last night as I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable I got a bad case of the all over body aches.  And most of that pain was in my legs and back. (No surprise there since my back was killing me all last week just from reaching to get the hand towel after washing my hands.)   But I digress…  I had to get up several times because my foggy brain and weak bladder will not let me sleep peacefully.  I took OTC cough and congestion medicine… then after lying down for a few minutes had to get back up cuz I forgot to use my inhaler.  Laid back down for a few more minutes started hacking my lungs out, so I got up to get a bottle of water.  Then I heard Zakk, the 3 month old shepherd puppy whining to go out… and Ryan couldn’t sleep without music and couldn’t find his mp3 player…

So I let the boy borrow my iPod, went and grabbed Zakkman and me and little dude sat on porch at 11:30 pm.  He did his thing and I smoked one of momma’s menthol dorals… beggars can’t be choosy, I needed a menthol.  And before any of you tell me how smoking when you’re sick is the absolute worst thing to do… I can tell you that’s what made it so I could finally pass out and sleep almost uninterrupted the rest of the night.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I need to quit smoking yet again.  I have a quit date already in mind and its been set for the last couple of months.  When I make a promise I do my very utmost best to follow through with it, and I promised I would quit so I will.

But I will not have the luxury of using the ecig to do so, since that’s why I got sick this time.  I was out of smokes on Monday.  Used the hell out of my ecig to try and get relief of the nicotine withdrawals… and voila!  Bronchitis.

Let me tell ya… its hell getting older.  I hit the big 37 this year, and if you were to ask me how old I feel… today I would tell you “Not a day over 500”  😀

Have an awesome day everyone!

I’m starting over yet again…

Seriously… I’ve been thru two other blogging sites before this one.  Technically if you count myspace and facebook, that total count is 4.  Anyway… life moves on and you either go with the flow or drown in the whirlpools and waves others have put in your path.

I’m not sure how often I’m going to blog anymore.  I always tell myself oh once a week is too few, once a day is okay, but seven times a day is overkill.  Well it all just depends on my need to spew forth my thoughts and opinions to the outside of my chaotic mind world.

I’ve nao been in Texas for over a year but it feels like home.  And yes I realize some of you will not like my incorrect on purpose spelling of some words, but this is my blog and my world.  I invite you into it not to judge me but to be entertained and taken out of your small world for a few moments.  Blogging, heck writing of any kind brings me joy.  Of course I wrote part of a fan fiction gone insane but due to technological difficulties (my external hard drive crapping out on me) I no longer have all of those hours, days, weeks, months… no ppl…  YEARS of blood, sweat and tears.  Not all of it is gone, just a lot of it.  So I either begin again with what’s left, or I start something completely new.

There is a lot on my mind that I want to write about, but some of it isn’t just about me.   Some of the things I wish to write I can’t yet.  In time, perhaps.  This is just my first entry to say I’m still here, still blogging and still needing an outlet for my chaotic mind even tho I’m mostly peaceful these days.  The mind is never empty, never silent, never still.