Addiction… you say it like its a bad thing

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That is just a fraction of the cigarettes I have smoked in the last 24 years.

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Those are just a fraction of the chemicals I have “willingly” ingested over those 24 years.

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I have found humor in the addiction and quitting process… but apparently not enough to sustain being quit.  Let’s face it, there’s nothing funny about addiction… whether its to legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol or to the illegal drugs that destroy our society.

When I started smoking I was a rebelling 13 yr old who didn’t give a damn what anyone thought and I certainly never believed I would become addicted.  Didn’t take me long to figure out I was though.  At 15 yrs old I got caught shoplifting and to my twisted addict’s mind the worst part about it was not going to court and being on probation… no, it was having my carton of cigarettes that were in my purse given to my older brother who was legal age to smoke.  I spent the next three months trying to sneak off away from my punishment grounding to smoke a cigarette that my older brother gave back to me during his driving me to school.  When I ran out I desperately tried drying grass clippings and rolling them in wide ruled paper, taping or gluing them into a cylindrical sort of not really a cigarette… quickly found out it does not work.

And that is not the stupidest thing I have done to try and get a fix.  Digging through public ashtrays looking for butts with some left on them… yeah, that takes the cake.  Right along side that is digging through my waste basket looking for butts I might have left some on myself… Desperate times, desperate measures.

I have tried a hundred times to quit… and failed each one.  I wasn’t ready, I didn’t really want to quit, just couldn’t afford to keep smoking like I was.  So I thought I would try OTC stop smoking aids.  The patches gave me a rash and wouldn’t stay on half the time, the gum didn’t work, and the ecigs do not control my cravings.  I figured out recently its not the nicotine I’m addicted to so much as the chemicals.  The ecigs have nicotine in them… I was using the one I had before so much I got sick with bronchitis and I am now in danger of burning up the battery in my blu ecig.

I’ve also tried prescription anti-depressants to help curb the addiction.  Wellbutrin got me down to 4 cigs a day but I just couldn’t let go of those last few.  And the 100 mg of Zoloft I was on over a year ago… it worked, until an old friend came over and handed me a cigarette.  I gave in, I could have said no.  Made it three weeks that time without smoking.  Beat the 16 days without a cigarette cuz I was in jail for contempt of court deal from a few years before that.

I’ve been a meth user, kicked that habit.  Smoked weed a few times, didn’t like what it did to me.  Drank a lot back in the day… gave that up too.  But you know what?  I didn’t have all the time, emotions and money invested in those habits like I do smoking.

Smoking is my anti-anxiety, anti-stress, wake me up better than espresso, after dinner dessert fix.   Smoking is my coping mechanism.  And its killing me.  Hard Habit to Break… wish my habit was just love gone wrong that I want to rekindle… talk about an understatement of the year… maybe even the decade.

Just because one person can easily turn their back on cigarettes doesn’t mean its that simple for me.  Every alcoholic struggles differently… why should it change just because the drug has?  I don’t like how I am when I’m quitting.  Maybe I do need the anti-depressants to control the temper/raging demons I feel inside without the heinous nicotine to control them… but I’m supposed to replace smoking with something to keep me busy, keep my hands and mind and mouth occupied so that I don’t think about it.  Neither idea works. 

Anti-depressants- substituting one chemical addiction for another.

Preoccupation- mouth can only handle so much hard candy before it starts hurting, mind races non-stop day and night with or without cigs, and without them the OCD mind of Chibi focuses on… you guessed it!  The cigarettes she doesn’t have.  My hands can only type/write/draw/paint/crochet/clean stuff so much before they scream in agony.  I am getting arthritis in my fingers and have moderate to severe carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands/wrists/shoulders… not to mention the nerve damage in my left pinky, ring finger and half my palm.

Am I making excuses?  It might seem that way to some of you.  I promised someone I love that I would quit smoking on a certain date.  That day has come and gone, weeks ago.  And I am still smoking… hence my status from a little while ago-

Addiction: To claim to give up something but then sneak it at every chance you get.

Trust me, I have enough guilt for breaking my promise thus far.  I told him last night because the guilt was eating away at me and I hate not being honest.  He was understandably upset, as he had the right to be.  But joking or not, he didn’t have to hurt me with what he said before we were falling asleep. 

Me-  I love you.

Him- No you don’t.

Me- Yes, I do.

Him- No.  You don’t.

Me- Yes… I do.  Why do you think otherwise?

Him-  If you love me you wouldn’t have picked up the cigarettes again.

Me- Uh huh… *rolls over and scoots to edge of her side of bed to avoid contact with person who made her feel a centimeter high and she didn’t have far to go to get to feeling that way because she knew she was guilty and broke her promise.*

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There are so many worse things I could do in my life.  I hate myself a little inside for being weak minded and addicted, I don’t need anyone else adding to it.  This is the one thing I haven’t been able to stop doing.  The only thing.  Is that so horrible?  Is it an unforgivable sin??  Yes I understand the anger.  Yes I understand I broke a promise.  One of the few I’ve ever broken in my life.  I even understand you have a right to your anger and hurt over me not quitting.   All I can tell you is that I am trying.  And I’m sure I will keep trying… and keep trying… but don’t hate me if I keep failing.  My life is not perfect.  I am a type A personality.  And all I can promise is that I will keep trying.

PS- either we made up or he is covering up his disappointment in me.  I’m hoping its the first option. 🙂  This one thing isn’t going to break our relationship.  Our love is stronger than that.

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Posted on 08/29/2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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