But Dahling… perhaps you didn’t notice my crazy was showing…
As I sit here listening to music for the first time in awhile… other than the ipod while I was painting the porch in order to avoid a splitting headache brought on by barking dogs… I think back on this life I’ve led up till now. What I can truly remember of it anyway. Thank you brain fog. I sit here wanting to write so many things but have trouble focusing, even with the help of my trusty E-cigarette… (no more real cigs for me, just nicotine in flavored liquids, thereby eliminating 6,999 harmful chemicals as of May 9th) and my second cup of coffee, which happens to be decaf this time. One cup of regular, one cup of decaf a day. Gone are the days of a gallon or more of chilled high octane espresso!
I was finally diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in December of 2015. What does that mean for me? Not much, treatment wise. Since my thyroid still works just not optimally, there is no reason to replace the T4 with synthetic at this time. All we can do is treat the symptoms. It is an auto-immune disorder meaning my body thinks my thyroid is a germ or cancer or some shit and attacks it randomly and on its whim. I’ve done dietary changes, I get plenty of water and exercise daily, and I have a morning and evening pill schedule. HCTZ and Sertraline in the morning for my high blood pressure/ edema and my anxiety/depression. In the evenings I take two iron pills, two vitamin D pills and one super B complex vitamin.
I have chronic anemia at a dangerously low level, low vitamin D etc and nodules in my thyroid that appear stable and have for over a year. And I still have the freaking goiter. And according to the Mayo Clinic website and many others, I will most likely develop another auto-immune disorder or two in my life. I suspect that my anemia is actually pernicious, not just regular. But that hasn’t been verified.
I now wear granny glasses… my insurance doesn’t cover progressive lenses and I didn’t have 100$ to spend out of pocket. So I wear bifocals with a line. It only took two weeks for my eyes to stop going wonky every time I moved my head. However, I really did need new ones because my vision was always slightly blurred with my old glasses which were from six years ago.
After a year and some months of exercise and changing eating habits, I have lost only 35 pounds. Yet I feel so much better than I used to. I could barely make it five minutes into a low impact workout without getting dizzy and huffing and puffing. Now I love hardcore workouts like Turbofire and Les Mills Combat. My great love though is Yoga… I can’t describe the feeling it gives me inside. The closest I can come is- peaceful.
My sleep pattern is not good. I am restless most of the night. However I have become accustomed over the last ten years to little to no good sleep. I function daily. Perhaps not well or at top form, but I’m still alive and still sassy.
Health update done. That’s all on that front currently.
After workouts, cleaning and laundry and other household stuff, I spend my days binge watching Hulu and either crocheting or knitting. Such an exciting life I know… aren’t you jelly? *gigglesnort* I don’t write anymore, and I miss it, but I really have no desire to work on the fan fiction gone insane or poetry or lyrics… one reason I didn’t want to go back on the anxiety meds. Unfortunately my doctor believes I need them for the rest of my life because its a chemical imbalance in my brain. (thank you thyroid, the gift that keeps on giving) The crocheting and knitting is just one more way of controlling the anxiety that is never fully controlled with medication.
I bought small canvases, I have acrylic paints and brushes, I still have all of my drawing pencils and paper and yet my eyes won’t let me do much on that front. They even go wonky at times when I’m typing this blog. I want to learn to paint, I need to design more tattoos and yet, I don’t. Headaches aren’t worth trying it.
Newsflash- Hollow by Breaking Benjamin just started playing. This man… brilliant to say the least. His music is so very important to my soul. I could never express my innermost thoughts as well as he does his own. And I don’t dare speak of that which runs rampant through my mind most of the time. I barely comprehend myself and to try and explain me to other people is nearly impossible.
Ah, now some lovely Luna Sea… yet another band I identify with, as long as I learn the translations of the lyrics I’m good. They share my birthday, and all of the members are magnificent at their chosen roles.
I lost all the music tracks I made, lost all the lyrics I had written. The external hard drive I had them stored on from my old computer is somehow corrupted. Le sigh. I lost a lot of pictures and other good things that I had on there. That will teach me not to use disks to back up electronic things.
Being a Gemini is both a blessing and a curse. Two souls in one body, sometimes working together but most of the time they are at odds with each other. Adding brain fog, fatigue, mood swings etc to being a Gemini is not a good thing, but I manage. Sometimes on a minute by minute basis. Hence the title of this blog. Being me is rough on a good day, trust me.
I look back on my life, and relationships I’ve had. Not just romantically speaking. I am a difficult person to be friends with. I know this and to the friends I still have- I love you all for your endless patience and perseverance in preserving our friendships. I have many acquaintances, few close friends, plenty of exes… and I know its because I have a tendency to burn bridges. Just ask Tinkerbell.
Luna Sea interrupts this self analysis to melt me into a puddle of goo with I For You.
And of course it starts raining while I’m feeding the dogs. Also my asshole neighbors set off a bunch of fireworks… in the freaking rain. Muttin Futtin. So where was I? Ah yes, the agony of being Gemini-
It really is too much to go into right now on top of everything else I’ve written. I tried taking a little break, taking a shower to maybe organize my scattered zooming at a billion miles an hour thoughts… and I don’t think I can go into anything else right now.
I don’t have the mental, emotional, spiritual, physical energy to do anything most days. That’s why I’m a lazy good for not much stay to myself and hide in Hulu and crafting unless I am forced to pay bills in public or clean or cook kind of person. I certainly don’t have energy to waste thinking about what ifs and regrets. And yet here they are. I know what I have now is a blessing beyond measure. Probably more than I deserve because of all the bad karma I’ve done. I really am going to pay big time in my next incarnation…
So many restraints to deal with in this life I lead. I would write it all out but there are eyes that see what should not be seen and once my words are read there is no taking them back. As long as they stay in my mind they won’t hurt me or anyone else.
I close this blog entry as I listen to Saturate by Breaking Benjamin…